Christmas At Sea...

As I sit here in my cabin I have just celebrated what was to be my traditional Christmas Eve only in a different way. It helped me forget the sad news that came across the wire today of my aunt's departure. I got the news just after I got back from a subtle day at the beach. It wasn't too hot and it wasn't too cold. I lay there relaxed after finishing with my Christmas rush and absorbing the moment before the chaos of festivities begin here on board over the next 3 days. I came back to the ship satiated and decided I needed to check my mailbox. I need to check it at least once a day because of the updates I get from home on my aunt's condition and the pain the family and my aunt have been enduring through the process. Today was news that was a catch 22 for me emotionally. I was distraught to hear my aunt had finally passed, but also at ease that she was finally out of pain and struggle. I cried on a friend's shoulder for a moment and went on with my day. There is nothing I could do out here and the last thing my aunt would want me to do is make a big deal. After all, she was never a lady who made a big deal about anything. She never liked being on camera or making a huge "hurrah" about things. Right now she'll be enjoying Christmas with my uncle and grandpa. I believe in my heart I said my goodbyes to the aunt I knew a long time ago at the onset of her condition. Alzheimer's can drag out for a very long time. We all were not sure of when it would grasp her the way the disease can. As the years passed, I noticed the aunt that was once the lively and strong person I once knew became devastated by insecurity, pain, depression, and loss of simple functions. I haven't seen much of her as the disease took over due to my selection of jobs. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I believe that my aunt's spirit lives within everything I'm doing out here. She always liked to hear about my adventures and see my performances, just as a lot of my family does. She was always there when there was something I was too embarrassed to talk about with my parents, to take me away from school for a day of movies and games, or to help me overcome some of my fears.
Yes Christmas this year is different. It would've been different even if I were at home. I remember Christmas Day just being a huge chaos of family playing games, telling jokes, laughing, drinking, smoking, and just having fun. The eve was always more collected and had a certain traditional order. That's what this evening was like. We celebrated our Christmas on the eve before everything breaks out into the craziness of running around. We all got together and exchanged our secret Santa presents, drank wine and beer, snacked, laughed, toasted, and watched old Christmas programs. We were all just hanging out together casually and calmly as the week wound down. One of our dancers is dating the Chief Officer (pretty much 2nd in command to the Captain) and the apartment he has on board is about as big as a NY style 1-bedroom apartment. There was a living space and a separate bedroom. There was a Christmas tree all set up and decorated. After the gathering had settled, it almost felt like I should be going into the bedroom to get my coat and boots, but all I was really doing was walking down a few flights of stairs. That's how taken away I was with the moment. We had a little rehearsal tonight and then wrapped some small gifts with the other staff for the 300 some kids coming on board for the Christmas cruise. The next day we have our morning and mid-day off and then it all starts to happen. We start off with the standard boat drill. Then we have caroling in the dining room followed by a show, followed by a tree-lighting ceremony in the atrium, followed by more caroling for second seating guests, another show, and then a late night rehearsal for the Christmas Eve ceremony. The next day is the Christmas Eve ceremony and then on Christmas we're up bright and early for Santa's arrival for the kids in the lounge with more carols. Our first production show is also that night. Christmas will come and go so fast now. If I were at home the only constant would be the traditional gathering on the eve. The rush of events that happen on Christmas Day for me wouldn't happen anymore. The kids that came over have all grown up and now have separate lives. Some family can't make it around as much as they did before. Now the place where they're always seemed to be a bundle of people around when I visited now holds only my grandma. My brother now has a steady relationship and his own other set of family to see on Christmas Day. I don't like that I'm missing being around family this holiday, but I'm also thankful I have a great family of friends out here I can share a warm holiday with this season. It's a different Christmas, a new one. A taste of change that will inevitably follow me through the recent future.

Change is good and I feel there will be a lot of change in the years to come. I tend to get myself in a dedicated routine for a while and then a huge burst of change sends my system into a spiral. I know one will be coming up as I make the effort to break free of this steady and comfortable lifestyle of cruising the world to try again, and with more confidence, a New York City lifestyle. I can prepare for it all I want, but after being at sea in a bubble for 4 years, reality is going to come crashing down when the time comes. It won't be unexpected like some changes in my life, but it won't be easy. I'm thankful for the changes that have come about over the past 10 years. It was 10 years ago that huge changes started to happen for me. It was living outside of my home state, my first cruises, living on the other side of the country, coming out to friends and family, moving to NYC, and now seeing the world. Other changes in love and family also spanned my 10 years whether expectantly or unexpectantly. All changes I have learned valuable lessons. I still keep on learning. My new philosophy is to try and live outside of my comfort zone. I see so many people not wanting to leave the routines hey have planned to have order in their lives. Eventually I will settle and possibly have my own routine again, but I feel now is the time to break free of the same things and try something different now and then. It's a scary feeling, but it's a good way to live life that I believe keeps a youthful spirit within. 2008 will be a challenge, but I think I'll be ready to accept it. More so than I was just 5 or so years ago when changes that had built up for so long started to hit me all at once.

I had a race of thoughts going through my mind today and now as the day winds down, some have disappeared. Life moves fast out here. One moment you're having the time of your life and the next instant you can have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don't dwell on thoughts too much when I'm surrounded by so many people living in "the now." It's a working vacation. An escape. Next year it'll be time to stay home for a while.

First Weeks...

It has been a while since I put any thoughts down. Not much is happening out here in the ole Caribbean. This itinerary, though exciting to some, is less eventful for me. A relaxing itinerary. There are lots of beaches, bars, and plenty of days of sunshine. This isn't the crazy and hectic itinerary of the worldly nature where everyday is new, exciting, and exhausting. I like it. Especially since I have my own room.

We left Los Angeles a while ago embarking on a plane to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and then eventually embarking on the ship. I met one of my friends in Ft. Lauderdale and will be meeting many more over the course of time. Ft. Lauderdale is so convenient for calling and meeting friends. I can also receive mail!! Woo hoo!! The shows are delightfully representative of everyone's talents and we only do 3 shows a week. One of those shows is only 20 minutes long and I'm only in maybe 8 minutes of that time. Even in one of our big shows that are about an hour long I only have about 15 minutes of stage time. This next show that we're performing tonight is my big work out show. This will be a fabulous contract to really re-coop and re-organize things to make the move back to NYC. However as someone already told me that although others scrutinize THIS type of work in the entertainment business, it is a job that pays well and can be consistent and rewarding. I know I can do this job into my mid forties if need be since I know some friends STILL doing it in their forties. It'll be something after this contract to keep in my back pocket. With the sparse outcroppingoutcropping of shows coming into NYC and floating around the country, more actors are looking to cruises for work. At least I know I have priority on this line over those who are coming in brand new.

The holidays are coming up so quickly. Although out here in the Caribbean the temps are in the mid 80s and it's snowing back home. It's weird to here Christmas music to the sound of a reggae beat. The ship is all decked out in holiday décor and every night I'm out as the sun goes down I feel like I'm attending a Christmas party of some sort. This will be my first Christmas at sea. A new experience. I get homesick from time to time seeing all the decorations up and just remembering how I used to sit in the living room (wherever I was) and stare at the Christmas tree all lit up in the darkness. It gave me peace. Now I have about 25 trees to choose from all over the ship, but it's hardly my living room. I can't very well go out there in my pajamas with my cocoa or tea and just stare or maybe fall asleep for a bit gazing at the pretty lights. I'll also miss driving around (although bitterly cold in both NYC and Ohio) listening to Christmas music and seeing all the houses decorated with lights. We will be doing some caroling on the eve and on the day of. We even have a show on the day of, which will be totally new for me altogether. I'm looking forward to the New Year though. This is my home now until October. Let's see where 2008 takes me.