Facing The Day...

As I sat there in the ship’s library (In Port Manning a.k.a. IPM as we all refer to it’s nastiness) seeing the sun set on the horizon in Oranjestad, Aruba, I was overcome with pain. I was on the lower deck brushing my teeth after dinner and getting ready to do my “other” duty as library attendant when my friends in the cast came back from their day at the beach. They were hustling and bustling to get ready for a night on the town since we were there until midnight before heading to Curacao. All were happy and feeling good from fun in the sun. I was stuck on board. We all have to do it at one point or another and it sucks. First the sadness hit me that I couldn’t join them since there were 8 of us off then (usually there are 7, but one exchanged another port with a band member for this one). Then the sadness sunk in that Chris and I are no longer together. I’m acknowledging that pain, but what have I lost? He’s still here. It won’t be the same, but all I’ve lost is intimacy. He’ll still be the only one I can relate to and be my confidant while I’m cut off from my land friends and family. It’ll take a bit, but we’ll both be back to our bubbly fun-loving selves in time. I think he’ll be one of those in my life I’d consider returning to if the opportunity came up again and we both felt mutual. It’s rare in most relationships and we all move on, but one never knows. I just think the timing for both of us was premature right now.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching out here on the high seas and I’ve been reading a book that was highly recommended by another one of my exes. The book has been an eye opener and really tunes into the ideas I’m writing about in my project (which has been aloof due to the busyness of this contract in Alaska and the breakdown of my computer). It said to be thankful to all the people that come into my life and I DO believe in that. Whether they were good or bad, I must have learned something from them especially if they touched my heart in some way. As I look back on all my past relationships, I’m friends with most of my significant partners from college and upward. Those that faded out of my life I’m still thankful for knowing while they were there. I’m still searching for one man in my life that made a significant difference and made me grow stronger as a person. He broke my heart, but as I read back through my journal I realize we were both immature in dealing with it’s ending.

Relationships come and go especially in my line of work. It takes strength, understanding, and a good connection to deal with the distances. There are a few in my cast right now and in previous casts that have taught me it could work with the right person. Yes, you miss them, but you’re happier when you’re with them because you’re happier doing the work you love to do. It’s better to be in that kind of relationship rather than be in a relationship where the strength is weak and each one has to make lots of sacrifices in their lives to make it work. I think Chris would’ve been that understanding person, but there are other things right now clouding both of our minds that make it difficult right now. I’m just thankful he’ll be in my life as a friend right now. As I type, I’m also thankful for the friends in my life who have made a difference (faded or still with me).

I’ve learned so much so far and I still have an eternity to live. I’ve had my weak moments, but I’m becoming stronger by the minute. I still have over half the world to see. I still have experiences I have to partake in. I know my brother can’t wait to get me up in the sky one day, lol. I still have pain to deal with in the future and successes to aim for. I thank my parents for raising me with the ability to choose and providing a nurturing and fulfilling environment. We didn’t have much growing up, but I always felt rich. I always made my choices and dealt with them. Nothing was really handed to me on a silver platter, but what do those kids have now that were handed their lives? I think they are filled with the fear of their changing environment. I may be wrong. We all make mistakes, but wouldn’t you be afraid if you never had to deal with making a decision and then suddenly you do? A decision that you see as one side being good and the other being bad. If we all made what we consider to be good decisions, life would be boring. Consider a “bad” decision as a learning experience and something exciting. A change. Every decision has a positive outcome somewhere. You just have to find the lesson and face the next one. If we all did that wouldn’t it be amazing? There wouldn’t be so much hate and resentment in the world.

Okay, I’m done preaching. Sheesh, when I get emotional I just go on and on. Thanks dad. I’m loving this outlet and if you’re listening (reading I should say), drop a line. I’d love to hear from ya. I can’t say when I’ll respond. E-mail is kind of slow right now until I solve this puzzle of how to write offline and send replies later, but I’ll reply eventually. I’m off to enjoy the beaches of Curacao