Come Taste the Wine, Come Hear the Band....

As I sit here anxious about my upcoming journey, I have to reflect on something that just hit me like a brick today. My aunt back home is not doing so well and it's coming close to the time that I will have to be there and actually face it. I've been getting updates from home and my uncle is actually not in the best shape either. It's getting close to the time where I may not have them in my life anymore other than a memory. With a change coming up and all the memories fleeing through my head about what happened in the last 8 months and what I'm about to do and face in the next weeks and months (as well as a little too much drink from the night before) it all just sank in and melted into my mind as I was writing to my father. Yes, I had a good cry. Emotions in my family (especially on my dad's side) are very dramatic. I suspect many a good cry will come about in the next 24 hours as I say my goodbyes and venture off on my own like a hatchling leaving the nest. As far as home, I know what's there and what's going on, but it's just easier to handle right now since it's not in my face and I have a good memory of what used to be. I can play over and over in my head the trips to the go karts, biking through the Metroparks, games around the table, movie days while playing hooky from school, or taking me on my first thrill rides when I couldn't handle coasters and my parents couldn't handle the thrill rides. We all have to grow up some time, and if I had a button that would take me back on some days to my childhood to relieve the finer moments, I would in a heartbeat. I'd still come back, but just some days you need to go back in time and actually experience the good times again. I hope as the years pass I never have to encounter what my aunt is going through and I hope that in her recesses she can somehow recall those times because to me without those memories, I might as well be dead. I'm kind of glad I started my own little "Notebook" of memories and experiences. I have one for just me and one for everyone to follow. I think we should all have one and if that time ever comes, we can just read our own story and experience those things in our imagination even if we think it never happened or can't remember it. The story "The Notebook" now and will always hold a special place in my heart. It's a touching one and it means so much to me right now. I encourage everyone to start their own story of events, happenings, thoughts, and emotions. It's amazing what fun they are to look back on, and in my aunt's case I think it would have been wonderful for her to experience that if she could without people bombarding her with memories can't recall only causing frustration. If she could have read her own story and had a familiarity with it, but not know why, and it could put a smile on her face, that would be golden. I want to keep up my journaling and hope to have thousands of pages and hundreds of volumes to read later in life. I started late as I am now with my retirement fund, but late is better than never.

Adventure lately has been so inspiring and adventurous people have been so attractive to me as friends or lovers. I try and tell people who are struggling with going outside their comfort zones to step beyond the borders and do something you wouldn't normally do, but always had a curiosity to try. I try and follow my own advice since after being in the closet so long I've developed so many barriers and safety nets. My safety nets are starting to get worn and full of holes now and I have to mend them in different ways. I realize this as my aunt and uncle go through their struggles with life. I've always been comfortable with knowing there are people in my life that will always be there, but that's not a realistic notion. People change, people leave, people forget, and people eventually no longer live in this world. I have to go out and experience things and create new connections with other people to make up for the ones I can only remember, but cannot physically see or touch. My greatest fear is being lonely, which is funny because I consider myself a loner sometimes where I need a lot of time by myself. However I think deep down, and the reason why I'm in this business, I like being around people and trying to make them happy. It took someone special to get me started on journaling by saying that I should always be true to myself. I've always kept that philosophy in the back on my mind in every new experience. I love all the people that have come and gone in my life and learned valuable lessons from them. Where am I going with this message? I don't quite know. I was just inspired by a letter I was writing and a conversation I had with someone last night who is struggling with new experiences. As much as change makes me anxious, I'm all for new experiences and meeting new people. Then write it down to remember it later. Think of life as a classroom of opportunities and take notes. It's the only way to truly get something out of life, rather than letting it pass by. In the words of Kander and Ebb" "What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a cabaret, old chum." Go out and experience every minute of it you can.